Thursday, January 14, 2016

You Can't Adult, I Can't People

We've probably all seen those shirts or memes that say things like, "I can't adult today" or "I don't want to adult today, who let me adult?" I've had one of those weeks. With depression, I think I go through phases (or maybe I'm bipolar?!) where I'm doing good for a while and then it hits me like crashing waves and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to cook, I don't want to run, I don't want to write (I don't want to mom, but we're not supposed to say that one, right?). I just want to sleep and read and watch Netflix.

I was doing so good last week. Our meal planning was going well, the house was clean almost every day last week, I did at least one load of laundry every day, we got out of the house a few times. Then it just crept up.

I can blame it on a lot of things this time. I haven't been eating well and I know from my 21 Day Sugar Detox and Whole30 experiences that my sugar consumption affects my mood. I haven't been sleeping as much as I should, and I haven't been getting up early to run like I should. It's all this circle that feeds on itself. Eating sugar makes me feel bad, when I feel bad I want to eat sugar. When I'm tired I make bad food decisions and I'm less likely to go to bed on time. I go to bed too late and then can't get up to run, then I run later and have to wind down afterwards so I end up staying up later. Ugh.

It could also be blamed on a new Sunday school class I joined at church this past Sunday. It's based on The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer (star of The War Room) and teaches on prayer and facing spiritual battles. A lot of people say they feel under attack when they do this study. Even as I'm writing this I'm struggling with the idea of missing the class Sunday because I'm a day behind on my running schedule and doing my long run on Sunday instead of Saturday would straighten it all out. But I feel like I need it, like going to this class is more important than marathon training and I know I'll get my long run done even if I am unable to meet my mileage goal for the week. This book and class is going to help me learn how to face these hard times when I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of depression, so I need to be there.

What else can I do to fight it? I've been fighting it with prayer, reading, and trying to drown out the negative thoughts by listening to positive music whenever it's quiet, like right now when the kids are napping (or supposed to be napping, but I can hear Lorelai whispering to herself) I'm listening to Gungor. I'm trying to eat better, though it's so hard when I'm feeling this way. Junk food is so easy and comforting. Yesterday, in an effort to not eat fast food, I ended up forgetting to eat anything until after 3pm. When I did eat, I did pretty good though. Today I've eaten ice cream, which is one of my major weaknesses. I want the rest of it to just disappear (husband hint).

Anyway, sorry to post such a downer of a blog today, I just wanted to let you know what was going on and why I've been kind of absent this week. Hopefully I'll have a better post for you tomorrow. Maybe I need to make a list of good things again.


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